We have spent some time together, you and I. You have heard some of my stories, glimpsed into some of my experiences. This mouse aims to show you a side of my career that we often keep hidden. I trust you, you see. I trust that you have the strength, the compassion, the drive to expand your minds into things you may not be familiar with.
So I say: Hello. You can call me mouse, and I am transgender. Nonbinary, to be specific. I use they/them pronouns and don't like any gendered language used when others talk about me.
So what does that really mean?
What is transgender?
‘Trans’ is an umbrella term used to describe anyone who’s gender doesn’t align with the sex assigned to them at birth. So it actually covers a wide variety of identities, even though it’s most well known as a descriptor for trans men and trans women.
Humans respond well to organisation and often like to stick concepts into neat, tidy boxes of understanding in their brain - even when those boxes don’t encompass the whole of an experience. An example of this is the comparison of neurodivergence and neurotypicality. People like to think it’s like an illness; either you have it, or you don’t. You are either ‘autistic’ or you are ‘everyone else’. Sometimes these concepts don’t fit into tidy little boxes like we hope, which can lead to a struggle in understanding and we respond to that feeling of struggle and confusion with either discomfort, fear or sometimes even anger. The binary is an example of this.
Sex vs Gender
So before we get too far into that, let’s briefly talk about the difference between sex and gender. ‘Sex’ refers to the biological attributes an individual has. This includes external and internal genitalia as well as chromosomal traits and unassisted hormone production at puberty. ‘Gender’ refers to a more mental and social construct that helps to build an individual's personal identity.
The gender binary is the thought that there are two genders - male and female and that they are the same as the sex assigned to you at birth. You fit into one of these two tidy boxes. A doctor looks at your genitalia when you’re born and uses that visual clue to assign your sex. As you grow up, you develop a personal identity that includes the gender roles, behaviours, and expressions thought to fall in line with the sex you were assigned and therefore sex and gender are interchangeable because they are the same. This is also called being ‘cisgender’.
Times have progressed enough that most people understand that sometimes people who are placed in one box at birth - identify with the other. That is what being binary trans is - that you do not identify with the gender that corresponds with the sex assigned to you at birth, instead you identify with the opposite. An example: Person A’s sex is male, but their gender is female - therefore they are a trans woman. Alternatively: Person B’s sex is female, but their gender is male - therefore they are a trans man.
Now, let’s clarify - not everyone who is trans wants the word ‘trans’ before their gender. It can feel like they are a ‘lesser’ or ‘watered down’ version of their gender in the eyes of others when the word trans gets included. In a social setting you should use the simplest and most respectful terms; if someone says they are female, they are female: their genitals and sex aren’t relevant.
AFAB / AMAB and how these are relevant in Healthcare
I work in healthcare and sometimes we need to know an individual’s sex. Like some nurses who can put in female urinary catheters can’t put in male catheters. Or you move your patient off of the table and onto the trolley and find blood on the sheets at hip level when you’ve been doing a simple tonsillectomy - if your patient is female in both sex and gender and of appropriate age, you would assume they’ve started their period. You wouldn't think twice before cleaning them up and offering sanitary products and moving on with your day. If your patient is male in both sex and gender you start getting really concerned, like where is this blood coming from? We weren't operating down there?! What pre-existing condition did we miss?!. However, if your patient is male in gender but assigned female at birth - you wouldn’t panic. A light bulb would appear, and you would clean them up, offer sanitary products and move on with your day.
I’ve used an interesting term there: assigned female at birth. The shortened way to say that is AFAB. Another term is AMAB. In a healthcare setting when giving a handover instead of saying ‘trans’ we can say Patient A here is a 15y/o AFAB boy. This quickly tells pertinent information: the patient is male and has female sexual characteristics. But please remember: If it’s not relevant, then just don’t say it.
Intersex and Nonbinary
That’s so neat and tidy, isn’t it? Sex and gender, male and female. Simples. Only not all humans fit into those two neat and tidy boxes.
Some individuals are born with variations in sexual characteristics. This could be their chromosomes, sex hormones, internal organs or genitals that are a mix of both male and female, or this could be the absence of any of these characteristics. So instead of someone’s sex being male or female, they would be intersex (AIAB)
Sometimes even if a person’s sex fits in the binary, their gender does not. This means that they do not identify as male or female. Their gender is nonbinary. Nonbinary is another umbrella term that covers a wide variety of genders - because gender is a complex personal and social construct. I encourage you to look up some of the different nonbinary identities, because they are very interesting. Today however, we’ll be using nonbinary the umbrella term to help ease us into thinking outside of the gender binary.
Transition - Medical & Social
Let us now turn our attention onto the word ‘transition’. The word transition can be heard to mean a very specific, medicalised journey, one with a defined beginning point and ending point. This can often tie into into an assumption that the only ‘real’ trans person and the only ‘real’ transition is for a binary trans person - who starts with sex hormones and physical characteristics of the sex assigned to them at birth, and ends with them consistently living as the other binary gender, with the associated sex hormones and physical characteristics.
There’s a heavy expectation that anyone undergoing this medicalised transition will have hormonal and surgical interventions. This can be referred to as ‘medical transition’. To individuals not familiar with the community, this can feel like the entire transition process, and anyone who does not follow that path is subject to higher levels of stigma, and lower levels of acceptance.
An individual’s medical transition is very personal and a highly vulnerable subject - but it is often treated like public property. Let us not forget that when we are asking about surgical interventions we are actually asking about genitalia and that is not appropriate outside of an extremely close relationship or a doctor-patient conversation. We all know you can’t ask a colleague about their genitals, yet there is this misconception that if someone has come out as trans they have to share that information - in order to satisfy the curiosity of others - or they will be seen as hostile and shutting down conversations rather than encouraging acceptance through education. Curiosity is natural and normal - but please take it to Google!
We often forget that the more important aspect of transition is about the individual’s personal journey - how they view themselves and how they are expressing themselves to the world. This can be referred to as ‘social transition’. Social transition might include things like a change of name or pronouns, or a change of wardrobe - and it might not. Someone may continue to look or act the same after they come out, and that doesn’t mitigate the validity of their gender. This is why communication is so important. If someone has asked you to engage with their transition (for example by changing a name or pronoun) the best way to show support is to try. Keep practising and accept gentle corrections - you’re not the only person who’s adjusting, and willingness to engage is the highest point of respect.
The transition journey does not have a universal designated endpoint - for some people it can last years or a lifetime, for others the ‘assumed’ course of the journey isn’t a good fit for them right from the start and they make their own path.
The influence of the gender binary and the restrictions it holds is often found filtering across society’s views of the transition process - in whatever form that comes. Individuals who identify as nonbinary face the added struggle of not only trying to figure out what their personal transition would look like - they often have to face restrictions where many of these processes are only available to binary trans folks. Someone who is nonbinary may still want hormonal or surgical interventions - or they may not - but they often face pushback if they want one without the other.
It’s not just medical transition where the nonbinary community faces issues - people who identify as nonbinary often have a harder time getting others to engage with their gender. There’s a misconception that because they aren’t taking all possible, expected medicalised steps that their journey isn’t as valid. They aren’t ‘fully transitioning’ as it were. Because society functions within a gender binary - it can often be difficult to express and be recognised as the correct gender if you don’t fit within those simplified boxes.
Nonbinary Pronouns
What do you call someone who is nonbinary? Their name is always a good start. Just make sure it’s what they want to be called. But to further answer that question: you should always ask the individual. Some people who are nonbinary use They/Them pronouns - myself included, but not all. This means I do not like being called ‘she' or 'he’, I am ‘they’. I don’t like ‘him' or 'her’, I like ‘them’. I am not a woman or a man, I am a person. I know that can be a tricky adjustment. We often think of ‘they/them’ as plural words. But, did you know that the oldest recorded use of ‘them’ as a singular was written in 1375? It’s always been around. Did you also know that the word ‘you’ was considered only a plural for centuries until popular usage forced academia to accept its use as both a plural and a singular.
Language is constantly evolving and changing. I can tell you right now all of you have used ‘they/them’ as a singular without even realising it. Here’s an example: you’re at the cinema, a black coat is left on a chair. What do you say? “Oh, someone left their coat here.” Boom. Singular. Here’s another: you’re getting to know a new colleague. You’re not sure if they are straight or queer, but they have mentioned a significant other. You say: “Oh, your other half, what do they do?” in the hopes that more information will make their gender apparent. You see, when we aren’t given contextual clues about someone’s gender, we will automatically use gender neutral terms and pronouns. Even the use of ‘other half’ or ‘partner’ is gender neutral.
So the tricky bit is to help our brains make that adjustment into neutral words and pronouns even though we have those contextual clues, and that’s much harder to do. You have to basically go against a lifetime of putting people into two boxes and create a new box. It takes effort; and a lot of practice.
Pronoun Practice
How do we do this? First of all, we need patience. It’s a learning process and no one gets it permanently right straight off the bat. Secondly, let’s not forget how we process information. We are emotive creatures and we remember things better when we associate positive emotions with whatever we are trying to remember. This means when we get pronouns wrong if we shout and growl and get mad, we’re actually linking negative emotions with the experience, making it harder to remember. Not to mention it feels terrible to have your pronoun or name snarled at you by someone else. So let’s be patient and show compassion to ourselves - we are learning and allowed to make mistakes. “Oh, you’re looking for Mouse? He’s - no, they’re over there.” Just correct yourself and move on. No need to get frustrated or angry. I promise people will have a harder time with you not engaging at all, then if you do and make a few mistakes.
On top of avoiding the snarling frustration - something else to avoid is excessive apologies. Without realising it, we often get ourselves into a spiral where we feel so awful about not getting a name or pronoun right - that we become overly apologetic and drag out the experience. It feels awful for us who feel guilty about getting something wrong, and feels awful for the other person who just wants to get through this awkward moment. In actuality, if we look at the social rules we follow in the US and the UK, that over effusive apology forces us - the trans person - to reassure you and tell you that it's ok. It forces us to accept responsibility for making things hard and awkward for you. It makes us have to apologise for existing, because you haven't had the opportunity to gain experience referring to us in our preferred way.
So, here’s a few ways you can practice pronouns:
1: When you get it wrong, say aloud or silently three compliments or nice phrases using the correct pronouns.
Example: “Mouse uses they/them pronouns. They are the first person I’ve used this with. I am learning a lot from them. I think they’re a great teacher.”
2: Use the pronoun all the time - in your head and aloud - not just when the person themselves can hear you.
3:Help each other. Don’t be afraid to gently correct others and be corrected by them. We are all learning together. This also means that you have to deliberately use the correct pronouns with everyone you talk about them to. Yes, I do mean everyone. You don't use my pronouns to me, you use them when talking ABOUT me to others.
4: If they/them feels too much like a plural and it’s hard to wrap your head around… Imagine a small animal perched on someone’s shoulder accompanying them everywhere! When you refer to them, you’re now referring to both the person and their animal buddy.
In Conclusion:
Being trans isn’t easy. Coming out as trans is even harder. Trying to exist in a world where you are seen as different or confusing is a lot to take on. As much as we don’t want it to - an individual’s trans-ness seeps across into every aspect of their lives. You can either keep quiet and have your identity trodden over and your self-esteem knocked through constant misgendering or you have to face the awkwardness of people learning how to incorporate your identity into their two-box worldview in the hope that eventually familiarity and practice will lead to acceptance.
In spaces where trans identities aren’t well known, there is a pressure to be the educator. This moral obligation that if you don’t do the teaching yourself - then acceptance won’t come, because so few people feel confident enough to educate themselves. That means that no matter what is going on with you - no matter what other struggles you’re dealing with or if you don’t feel well or if you’re so busy at work - you don’t ever get to stop being the educator.
I hope that this has given at least a few of the basics. I sincerely hope that this has given you the foundation to feel empowered to look for further information on your own. And I also hope that through this you have a sense of understanding on how to be a good ally. How to engage with new identities and not feel so guilty when we inevitably make mistakes. This is an aspect of my personality that I have sat on and squashed down for so long and I am to the point now where I just want to exist as me. I can’t just keep quiet and not make a big deal about this - because simply by keeping quiet I get forced into a box and an identity that doesn’t fit - one that crushes me.
I want to answer questions, to empower education and the opening of minds to new things and life experiences - I also want to make it clear that sometimes there are boundaries. That some information can come from external sources and that sometimes we need to accept people for who they are, while not expecting them to cross the boundaries of appropriateness in order to assuage curiosity. So ask me questions: as long as they are appropriate, and I will let you know if we push too close to a boundary.
Lastly, please let’s help each other. Pronoun adjustment comes so much easier when we do it as a collective. You each have the privilege of walking through life being referred to in the same way you identify - all I ask is your help in achieving the same for myself and for my brothers and sisters and siblings around me that are taking their first tentative steps into the world living as their true selves.
Thank you,
-A happy, content with themself, Mouse
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